When You Are Tired Of Explaining Yourself

Sometimes presence is the support

During that period, I did not always need somebody to tell me what to do.

I needed companionship.

Presence.

Somebody willing to listen without interrogating me, hurrying me or handing me a list of instructions.

I needed to know that somebody was there, even when I did not have a neat answer or a finished plan.

We often fall into the trap of believing that if somebody shares a problem, we must solve it.

We offer advice.

We say what we would do.

We reach for the quickest answer because we care and want the discomfort to go away.

But sometimes the person speaking does not need an answer yet.

She needs enough room to hear what she is trying to say.

Being heard is not the same as being agreed with

For me, being heard does not mean that the other person has to agree with everything I say.

Agreement can feel comforting, but it does not always help me think.

Sometimes automatic agreement can keep us circling the same hurt, sadness or frustration. We may feel validated for a moment without seeing anything differently.

Being heard feels different.

It is somebody paying attention.

It is somebody allowing you to finish.

It is curiosity without interrogation.

It is room to say, "I don’t know yet."

And sometimes it is a thoughtful question that helps you understand what is really going on underneath all the noise.

There have been people in my life who let me speak for as long as I needed. They listened. They reflected things back to me. They asked questions that helped me untangle thoughts that had become muddled together.

That kind of conversation did not take the decision away from me. It helped me hear myself.

Not every conversation has the same job

A friend, a practical helper and a coach can all support us, but they have different jobs.

One is not automatically better than another.

The question is: what kind of support does this moment need?

A friend

A good friend brings care, companionship and shared history.

She may sit beside you in the mess. She may listen. She may remind you that you are not alone.

Because she cares about you, she may also feel emotionally close to what is happening. That closeness can be a source of comfort, although it may shape how she sees the situation.

A practical helper

Sometimes there is a clear problem that needs a practical answer.

You may need information, a task completed or advice from somebody who knows how to solve that particular problem.

In those moments, practical help can be exactly right.

The difficulty comes when practical solutions arrive before the person has had the chance to finish speaking—or when advice is offered for a problem she has not asked anybody else to solve.

I have experienced conversations where I wanted somebody to hear me out, but instead I received a long list of:

"I think you should do this."

"In my opinion, you should do that."

The advice may have been well meant. Some of it may even have been useful. But it did not help me understand what was right for me.

I left those conversations feeling more despondent and lost.

A coach or guide

A coaching conversation has a different job.

A coach listens, reflects and asks structured questions. The aim is not to take over the decision or hand the client a ready-made solution.

It is to help her step back from everything competing for attention and look at the situation from a different angle.

I sometimes describe it as being able to helicopter out of the problem and see it from a bird’s-eye view.

From there, you may begin to see what is happening, what possibilities are available and which direction feels right for you.

When too many thoughts are crowded together, the conversation can become a kind of filing system. We separate one thing from another. We look at one part at a time. We notice what belongs to us and what does not.

The solution is not imposed from outside.

You remain involved in finding your own next step.

That matters because a step you have chosen for yourself can feel very different from a solution somebody else has placed in your hands.

Coaching has boundaries

Coaching is one kind of support. It does not replace friendship, practical help, therapy, medical care or other appropriate professional support.

A responsible coach understands the limits of her role. When somebody’s needs fall outside those boundaries, the appropriate next step may be therapy, healthcare, crisis support or another specialist service instead of—or alongside—coaching.

The purpose is not to make coaching fit everybody.

It is to help each person find the support that fits what she needs.

What job does this conversation need to do?

Before an important conversation, it may help to pause and ask:

You might even begin the conversation by saying:

"I need listening today. I’m not ready for advice yet."

Or:

"I would value a few questions to help me think."

Or:

"I need practical help with this particular problem."

Naming the job does not guarantee a perfect conversation.

But it can reduce the guessing.

It can give both people a clearer understanding of what support might look like in that moment.

And if you are tired of explaining yourself, it may give you something you have needed for a long time:

Enough presence.

Enough room.

And the chance to hear your own voice again.