Wellbeing with Yasmin · Articles
Do I Have to Feel Confident Before I Begin Again?
Sometimes the first step is how we learn what we need. We can prepare, ask for support and move at a pace that is ours.
For years, I swam only as far as the place in the pool where I could still stand with my head above water. I had taught myself to swim as an adult. I could move through the water, turn around at that point and make my way back to the shallow end. I knew exactly where my boundary was.
When I turned 40, I made a decision to do something that scared me every year. Swimming into the deep end was one of the first things I chose.
I did not simply launch myself across the pool and hope for the best. I took lessons for about three months. I practised. In time I could swim the full length, turn around and swim back. I still swim happily now.
I began learning before I felt confident about swimming into the deep end. With lessons, practice and support, that confidence grew.
What beginning looked like for me
In the years that followed, I kept trying things I had never done. I trained as an expedition leader and found myself camping in Lancashire in February, in the snow. That was certainly outside my usual comfort zone.
I went through a divorce at 43, and it turned my life upside down. At 45, I moved to the Middle East to work as a governess. A mentor had suggested the possibility, and I sat with the idea for six months before I began exploring how to apply.
I wondered if I needed to retrain. I spoke with agencies that placed governesses, nannies and tutors with families. They explained the work and helped me understand the transition. I had a friend to talk to as well. Each conversation gave me something more solid than the picture I had built in my head. I felt very blessed to have that support.
I had places in mind where I thought I could go. I also had one place I had ruled out: Saudi Arabia. I knew little about what life there would be like for me and felt daunted by the thought of it. As it happened, my first job was there.
Leaving family and friends and moving to a country I had once said no to was hard. I worked in that first post for 18 months. After a short time at home, I moved to a job in Qatar. I later returned to Saudi Arabia for another post, and eventually worked in Dubai, the place I had imagined going in the first place.
I could not have pictured that route at the beginning. Moving felt a little easier because I had spent years practising smaller steps. I also had people who could help me think through what I was doing.
The fear of what others might say
One worry stayed with me: what would family and friends say if it did not work out? I could almost hear “told you so.”
That fear can carry a lot of weight. Someone close to you may be concerned because they care, or because the choice feels too unfamiliar for them. I do not judge anyone for wanting a different kind of life. I had to work out what this choice meant for mine.
Listening to people I trusted helped. So did remembering that I would be the one living with the decision. I could take advice seriously and still make room for my own hopes.
You can test the water
I think of getting into a bath when you are unsure of the temperature. You might touch the water first, then put a foot in. You can take it out, adjust, try again, stand for a moment and only then sit down.
Beginning again can be like that. You may need to learn a skill, ask questions, talk to someone who knows the territory or try a small version of the thing you are considering. What is a first step that would help you find out more while leaving you room to choose what comes next?
The NHS guidance on facing fears suggests starting with smaller steps and taking your time. This advice concerns anxiety; a major life choice also calls for practical preparation.
There is no right number of steps. One person may feel able to move on after a couple of tries. Another may need many more, or may decide that this direction is not right for her. Pausing, changing the plan or asking for help can be part of taking yourself seriously.
I know it can feel uncomfortable to move beyond what you know. I also know that discomfort is not a reason to ignore your safety, your limits or the responsibilities you carry. What helped me was making the next step manageable, then deciding again from what I had learned.
You do not have to settle the whole future before you begin. You can ask: What would I need to know, learn or arrange to take one thoughtful step?
If you would like space to think through a beginning of your own, you are welcome to book a Virtual Tea. It is a first conversation about where you are and whether coaching might be useful, with no obligation to continue.